yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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