before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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