dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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