Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
