so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
