I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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