Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize