last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
