I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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