I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
