Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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