she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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