I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
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