I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
