How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
