the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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