Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
