There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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