I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Randomize
