mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
