I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
