theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
