Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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