I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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