he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
