he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
