hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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