Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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