every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
