Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
