why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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