Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
