remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
