i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
