I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I think my moral compass just broke
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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