you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize