it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
