Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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