yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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