Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
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