college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
