apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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