I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
