you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize