its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
