Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize