Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
