whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I need to stop coming to work sober
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
