When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
