I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize