Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
