i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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