Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize