I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
