So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
