If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
So much rum. So many feels.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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