Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
