I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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