woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
