I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
