i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
